So I got my nose re-pierced tonight! I felt like I needed to do something a little drastic. Plus, it caused some pain, so it made me "feel." My adrenaline was definately pumping. My heart was beating fast. It felt good. I did it on my own without telling my partner first. It was something that was just for me and it wasn't anything distructive or something that she could get upset about. In fact she was excited for me. At the same time she did ask me why I didn't tell her first. She wasn't mad at all, but I think she felt a little out of the loop with me. I feel like I need to do some things on my own, that are just mine. It felt really satisfying. It made me feel very independent and strong!
She called me after I got pierced, and I asked her if she was going to have an affair, since she has been going out with a couple of different straight women to have drinks. She reassured me and I felt better, both that she reassured me and that i was able to express an insecurity I was having. I also let her know that I might need some reassuring and that I might not feel that strong. She understood and stated that she would be strong for the both of us. I love her. She really does love me.
I did go to the bookstore after I spoke with her. I didn't tell her, but she didn't ask either. From 5:30 to 9:00pm I scimmed through a bunch of recovery books with a delicious mocha in hand! I bought about $100.00 worth of books! So I guess I splerged a bit, but it was for a good cause and I deserve it.
She's still not home. She texted me saying that she got out of work late and that she was just about to meet her friend, 1 hour after she was suppose to get off of work. I do believe her, but I am finding that I am a little suspect...I think she might just want to have more time drinking and visiting with her friend. I know she feels a little trapped, uncomfortable and out of sorts, like a fish out of water. This sobriety thing is HUGE for both of us.
I passed by sooooooo many bars tonight. They are everywhere. Everyone seems to be having a jolly old time. I am soooo angry that I can't be one of those normal drinkers. It is not fair! I am discovering that I have a lot of anger and resentment. I have to work on it. I am not sure how yet. I don't want to take it out on my partner.
So with that...I guess I should start reading some of the literature that I just spent a fortune on.
I am proud of myself right now, but still angry.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Still day 8
So I have decide to take myself to dinner and then go to the bookstore to get lost in books. I hope I don't feel too lonely. I have a feeling that I am goiing to blogging a lot for a while!
Day 8
I finally have decided to quit drinking! It is probably the scariest thing I have ever done. One of the biggest obstacles right now is that my partner will continue to drink. They are not an alcoholic. So I am experiencing a lot of anger about them "getting to" still drink.
They are supportive of my not drinking...I became an angry & embarrassing drunk. They have taken care of me more times than I can remember...and also not remember with all my blackouts. But they still want to drink...and usually they go out without me to meet friends to be respectful of my not drinking. But I can't help but feel very left out. Like I am so boring. I am not in the "in crowd" anymore. I don't want to be resentful towards her and I don't want to keep her from living her life, but I don't know how to handle this.
She is going out tonight with her friend. She asked me if that would be okay. I was planning on asking her if she wanted to go see a movie with me after she got off of work, but I didn't have a chance to. Of course I said it was ok...she doesn't have to ask me permission to do stuff. It was more like a formality. What am I suppose to do...say no...then I will make her feel resentment towards me... she will start to feel caged in, isolated.
So i am goiong to be supportive of her desires. I am trying to find something for me to do on this Saturday night be myself. I did realize that all of our friends drink. I don't want to "belong to the AA club" cause it seems too clutish for me, and I don't like the religion thing and giving myself up to a higher power, but I am at a loss for support. There are some SMART programs that I like, but there aren't many meeting.
I do feel grateful that I have 8 days sober. But the future looks very scary. I am afraid that I will become unfun to my wife...and that we will drift apart. I am willing to do anything to to keep that from happening. She says she is more than willing to do the same. Does this work...having one sober person and one drinking (nonalcoholic) person in a relationship? I hope so cause we are deeply in love.
They are supportive of my not drinking...I became an angry & embarrassing drunk. They have taken care of me more times than I can remember...and also not remember with all my blackouts. But they still want to drink...and usually they go out without me to meet friends to be respectful of my not drinking. But I can't help but feel very left out. Like I am so boring. I am not in the "in crowd" anymore. I don't want to be resentful towards her and I don't want to keep her from living her life, but I don't know how to handle this.
She is going out tonight with her friend. She asked me if that would be okay. I was planning on asking her if she wanted to go see a movie with me after she got off of work, but I didn't have a chance to. Of course I said it was ok...she doesn't have to ask me permission to do stuff. It was more like a formality. What am I suppose to do...say no...then I will make her feel resentment towards me... she will start to feel caged in, isolated.
So i am goiong to be supportive of her desires. I am trying to find something for me to do on this Saturday night be myself. I did realize that all of our friends drink. I don't want to "belong to the AA club" cause it seems too clutish for me, and I don't like the religion thing and giving myself up to a higher power, but I am at a loss for support. There are some SMART programs that I like, but there aren't many meeting.
I do feel grateful that I have 8 days sober. But the future looks very scary. I am afraid that I will become unfun to my wife...and that we will drift apart. I am willing to do anything to to keep that from happening. She says she is more than willing to do the same. Does this work...having one sober person and one drinking (nonalcoholic) person in a relationship? I hope so cause we are deeply in love.
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